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Tuesday, March 28, 2023 — Houston, TX

Review: ‘Blood and Honey’ is a sticky mess

Photo courtesy Altitude Film Distribution

By Hamza Saeed     2/21/23 11:03pm

Rating: 0/5

I am not an advocate of government censorship, but this movie should be criminalized. It should be a punishable offense to have been involved in the making of this movie. It shouldn’t even qualify as a movie, as it has none of the necessary elements. There is no plot, no motives, no characters, no beginning and no end. Let’s discuss this fever dream of an experience.

“Winnie-the-Pooh: Blood and Honey” begins after Christopher Robin grows up and goes to college, seemingly abandoning Pooh and their friends in the Hundred Acre Woods. Years later, Pooh and Piglet have gone feral. After eating Eeyore out of desperation, they begin hunting the locals in order to make blood-honey porridge. Their newest victims are five girls who book an Airbnb in the Hundred Acre Woods, only to discover their worst nightmare — they have to fight off Pooh and Piglet with Christopher Robin. Pooh, however, has blood-honey churning through his veins after being hit by a Ford F-150, and he murders every single character in the movie aside from Piglet (who was already beaten with a sledgehammer) and Christopher Robin. Afterwards, Christopher slowly crawls into the forest, awaiting his casting in the upcoming sequel (a punishment for our collective sins).

I hate this movie. Let’s start off with the soundtrack, which has absolutely nothing to do with what’s happening in the movie. One of the girls will announce that they are going to the bathroom, and you will experience the pitch drop equivalent of being hit by an 18-wheeler. Then, in another scene, Pooh will be stabbing someone to the tune of Facebook royalty-free music. None of the cinematography and sound decisions make sense. These decisions have a significant negative impact on both the action sequences and the attempts to create any sort of haunting atmosphere. For some reason, the director (if he is even fit to be referred to as such) chose to start every action scene with shaky-cam style footage. This choice, in combination with the fact that every cut leads to a perspective on the opposite side of the set, creates a disorienting and nauseating perspective. Every time I try to recall a scene from this movie, I feel as if I am overdosing. None of the creative decisions in this movie seem to have an underlying motive. Simply put: Why? 

Just like any other clichė horror movie, the protagonists all just stand there, watching Pooh go on a brutal killing spree. They have absolutely no plan, even after rescuing Christopher Robin from the makeshift torture chamber that Pooh is holding him in, which is a horrible and disturbing plot point in itself. The characters make the objectively worst decision at every possible turn, even when there really isn’t a decision to be made. I can’t believe they even got real people to act in this movie, and the acting itself is absolutely atrocious. Despite the obvious effort behind the acting work, that in no way makes up for the incoherent rambling, inconsistent tones or terrible set design of the movie. 

You really want my opinion? I think that if you watch this movie, your name should be on a list. That’s right, democracy has failed. If a country’s socioeconomic system allows for something like this to be conceived of, we can deem that country a failed state. I’m done. I’m out. Goodbye. Godspeed. 

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