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Friday, March 24, 2023 — Houston, TX

Leave before you get left: Navigating your V-day situationship

Jennifer Liu / Thresher

By Riya Misra     1/31/23 10:47pm

So your situationship ended things by saying “we’re not friends with benefits because we’re not really friends,” and now ten months later, you’re sitting on the Texas Medical Center sidewalk crying on his shoulder.

Happy Valentine’s Day. So you’re not single and you’re not cuffed. You’re stuck in the weirdest, worst in-between stage possible: the situationship. I am — resentfully so — a seasoned veteran, so here’s my advice: end it. If you won’t listen to that, because there is absolutely no reason to ever listen to my advice, then read some situationship V-Day plans I’ve rounded up for you.

Leave early

Go out to a restaurant or something — nothing fancy, please. Just an entirely mediocre, wholly forgettable pizza parlor. Make your friend call you, on speakerphone, hysterical towards the end of the date. Her pet capybara is on fire. A swarm of bees got into your apartment. Her pet capybara is on fire in your apartment, and now your apartment is on fire too. Just get out of there because if you go home with your situationship on Valentine’s Day, there’s a solid chance your child will be celebrating their tenth birthday around Thanksgiving 2033.

Rooftop movie

Keeping in line with my previous sentiment, please don’t pay for an actual rooftop movie. I love the Rooftop Cinema Club but I guarantee your situationship isn’t worth the price of a ticket, so just DIY your rooftop movie. There are plenty of roofs available with just a bit of elbow grease. Personally, I like Seibel. Bring a blanket — and maybe some knee pads.

Sculpture sightseeing

Take your person-thing to the Menil Gallery to see some outdoor sculptures or go to the Cullen Sculpture Garden at the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston, which features 20th and 21st-century sculptures by artists such as Henry Matisse and Auguste Rodin. Y’all are seeing other naked people, anyways. You might as well support Houston’s local art scene while doing it.

Watch “Bojack Horseman”

“Bojack Horseman” is the best bad relationship show. My mind will not be changed. Cuddle up and turn on Season 1, Episode 6, where Bojack steals the ‘D’ from the Hollywood sign. If you stay in that situationship, it might be the most romantic thing you’ll ever witness.

Be a flake

Just don’t see them. Don’t go. An hour before your plans? Oh no, you’re so sorry, you have a 106 (?) degree fever. Cough, cough. Then you’re free to eat minestrone soup straight from the can and watch “Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let’s Find Out!” in bed. There’s beauty in being alone. And besides — if they can’t commit, why should you?

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