Ask the Thresher
Dear Athena and Ares,
I really like a guy, but I don't think he sees me in the same way. I think he sees me as a friend who he can fool around with occasionally with no consequences. What a jerk. Should I have ‘a talk' with him? Or is that too stereotypically psycho girl?
Trying Not To Make Things Worse
The first thing you need to do is figure out what you want. You say you really like this guy, but then you say he's a jerk. Are you sure you don't just think you like him because you're already hooking up with him? If you realize that you are, in fact, settling for him because he's convenient, then you should end all casual fooling around, especially because it seems to be bothering you. You definitely deserve someone more committed if that's what you're looking for, and this casual relationship should not prevent you from achieving that. That being said, there is nothing wrong with having a casual relationship but being friends. Just remember that open communication is important, and making sure you're both comfortable with a casual situation is a must.
At the same time, if you decide you really like this guy, then communication really is the best option. Yes, some guys panic when they hear the phrase "Can we talk?," but in the end it will be for the best. Who knows? He might end up liking you as much as you like him. Ultimately, if you do really like this guy, he should be someone you can talk to and who listens to what you have to say and how you feel, so "the talk" could be the beginning of a really good relationship. And if he does freak out or take "the talk" poorly, then he probably wasn't worth liking anyway.
I am somewhat confused about who would be a "stereotypically psycho girl." I have met many crazy girls in my lifetime, as well as crazy men, but for one to be a psycho girl I would imagine she would need to do something like carry an axe around muttering in a strange language because that's what the squirrels told her to do. Having a "talk" with this boy might not be the best idea, but I doubt it would make you a "psycho girl." Unless you are planning to slobber a lot and sing the theme from the Flinstones at random during your conversation.
That being said, talking is not the option you should pursue. Perhaps the conversation will go in your favor, but perhaps it will not. Instead , you need to control the situation. Instead of simply expressing your idea to him, you should make him think that being together is his idea.
Start flirting a lot and almost hook up with him. Emphasis on the word almost. If you do things without asking for something in return, then you will never get anything in return. You should make it clear that there is a lot he could be getting, but that he will have to work for it. He will begin to realize that you are worth going after and will start treating you with more respect. Or he will find another girl who will cost him little effort and leave you by the wayside, but then it was probably time for you to go play the field anyway.
"Ask the Thresher" is an advice column written twice a month, authored by two Thresher editorial staff members. Readers can email their letters to AskTheThresher@gmail.com or submit their questions through formspring at AskTheThresher.
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