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Friday, April 19, 2024 — Houston, TX

I know how you can find your soulmate

10/20/15 8:13pm

I recently came across a book called “When God Writes Your Love Story,” which I found funny mostly because it conjured the image of God as a hopeless romantic typing up people’s love stories at Brochstein Pavilion. To be fair, “How do I find my soulmate?” is an interesting question — one that I never get asked. I’m the scrawny computer science major who likes to play ping pong, Sudoku and nonograms, so I’m not surprised. But it is a shame because I have the perfect solution, one that I’ve tested personally.

As my COMP 140 professor would say, there are several subproblems you have to address first. Regardless of your religiosity, prayer is a must. Write down all the things you want in a soulmate: smart, funny, attractive, not gullible, etc. Meditate on these attributes and chant, “Leeeeeebs,” under your breath 83 times with increasing tempo and with your eyes closed, obviously. If you start to see visions of a middle-aged Jewish man, you’ve gone too far. Never, ever go full Leebron. The last person to go full Leebron founded monotheism.

After becoming spiritually prepared for your soulmate, you must become physically ready. To demonstrate your commitment to your future soulmate, plan on working out at the Rec every free second of your week, as unrealistic as that may sound. As you know, we Rice students blow off most of our workouts anyway, so you have to overcompensate. Also, don’t think that because you walk to all of your classes, you can skip leg day. Don’t skip leg day, ever.

You will also need mental preparedness. Taylor Swift’s classic “You Belong With Me” is the perfect soulmate primer because if you really believe you are that guy or girl next door, you will be. To mold your mind even more, watch a few hours of Dean Hutch’s Gen Chem video lectures. Hutch’s godly voice will warm your heart, and his chemistry knowledge will help you and your soulmate bond over some terrible chemistry puns. Finally, read the Communist Manifesto because that’s apparently what marriage is like.

If you’ve solved these subproblems correctly, there is one final step before you meet your soulmate. Before the big day, you must collect the tail of a Rice University squirrel or Donald Trump’s toupee (They’re really the same thing right?), a dozen homemade cinnamon rolls from West servery and the tears of all the freshmen who failed their first midterm. Mix these in a boiling cauldron until you have a neon green slime. It will smell like cinnamon, salt and The Donald’s bank vault. Paint your forehead with this concoction.

Have a few drinks, if you haven’t already, and make your way to the nearest public party. Dance with everyone you meet because as far as you know, these will be the last moments of your single life. At half past 12, you will meet your soulmate. A slow song will come on. Take a deep breath. Turn around. Your soulmate will be the one with a neon green forehead.

Kenneth Li is a Duncan College freshman.

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