Online only: Denver advises on infuriating music and college incest

9/3/09 7:00pm

Dear Denver,

Why should we ask you, of all people, for advice? What do you bring to the table? Who the hell are you?

- A

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Dear A,

Sure you could ask questions to any random passerby on the street, or you could ask professors or masters or the Student Association president. But they won't get your questions in the Thresher. So the main reason to ask me questions is to see something you said anonymously answered in an interesting way online.

Aside from that, I would say that I have been through a lot and have experience with whatever you have to ask. I have tried out a lot of things, making mistakes along the way. I have learned what works and what doesn't. A lot of Rice students are sheltered and have never had to live through rough times. My childhood was rough enough to merit a scholarship and allow me to meet Oprah. I was also allowed to talk to a lot of successful, rich people who gave me plenty of books filled with a ton of useful advice. And I am so kind and generous that I feel the need to share some of that advice with you. So ask away, curious reader.

Dear Denver,

Our whole floor is having trouble with this one kid. He plays his music ridiculously loud and it generally involves some kind of screaming. I think it annoys his roommate a lot more than the rest of us. We told him to turn it down or use his headphones but I still wake up in the mornings to his music. What should I do?

- Scared of Screamo

Dear Scared of Screamo,

You did the right thing by talking to him, but if it didn't work then perhaps you didn't do it the right way. Try talking to him again and make sure you emphasize the fact that if he keeps making your lives miserable then you all will make his life miserable.

If he still refuses to listen then take a lesson from Pavlov and his dogs. Train him with an adverse conditioned response to his own music playing. Every time the music plays too loudly you have to cause him some sort of sharp pain; I suggest blow darts or possibly a small bean shot out of a rubber glove. If you keep it up consistently enough then every time he turns his music up he will feel a sharp pain and turn his music down. At the very least you will have fun shooting things at him and get some good practice for upcoming games of H2007.

But seriously, if he really refuses to listen and turn the music down then talk to the masters. They are here to help you. Also, this method is much preferred to calling the Rice University Police Department and causing a huge disturbance, getting your college in trouble and getting put on double secret probation. Then your chief justice is going to get pissed off and is going to yell at the masters, and then the masters are going to yell at the guy at the grocery store who yells at the guy who takes out the trash who then yells at his pet who then chases the mailman who eventually goes postal.

Dear Denver,

If a Duncaroo and McMurtrian hook up, isn't that incest?

- Anon

Dear Anon,

Absolutely. You might as well be asking what happens when you mix a slam dunk and a kangaroo. I feel the need to mention that with my in-depth research into this question I unfortunately found the definition of Dunkaroo on Urban Dictionary.

Denver Greene, a Brown College senior, is not a professional and is not responsible for anything stupid that you do. Please submit questions by email to thresher@rice.edu or by going to www.brown.rice.edu/deardenver.

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