Longing for home possible to alleviate

By Ellen Kim     9/17/09 7:00pm

No one else seemed to be having a problem. It was as though everyone was okay with living on, what seemed to me, an alien planet - a world devoid of everything I had ever known and loved. I am not exaggerating. College made me feel miserable and terrified, but most of all, alone in my misery and terror.Showing up at Rice was one of the most heart-wrenching moments of my life. And I know you're probably re-reading that sentence to make sure I had written it correctly. Did she say "heart-wrenching?" Is she insane?

If you asked me how college life was now, you would never have guessed that just two weeks ago, I was as homesick as Shadow in Homeward Bound. I missed my parents, my younger sister and my flea-bitten cat. I missed those warm days when the four of us would make dinner at home and watch Wipeout. I missed taking afternoon naps on the sofa with the television on and shopping with my mom at Macy's. I missed my beautiful California. (No offense, Texas.)

Throughout the first week of school, I was harboring a deep, painful realization. I was trying, to no avail, to accept the fact that I was no longer a child. After college, I thought, things will never be the same. One day I will get a job, and then there will be no summer vacations to look forward to. One day I might not live with my family at all.

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It was bad enough not being able to see them everyday. The truth was I didn't want to be the "independent college student."

I didn't want things to change.

I couldn't get past a day without blubbering over my family photos, letters my sister had sent, missed phone calls and stuffed animals. There were even moments when I felt I should have gone to a different university, one that was less than a thousand miles from home.

The most taxing part of coping with my homesickness was the suppression. I didn't want my parents to know how difficult it was for me to adjust to this new lifestyle. I knew my mom had probably ruptured a tear duct trying not to cry when she left campus. I was actually surprised, because she had been bursting into tears intermittently for the past months, saying she would miss me too much.

But at that moment, she didn't want me to see her upset, just as I didn't want her to worry. I wanted everyone back home to be proud of me and see how strong I was.

However, my parents were not the only ones I had to fool - at least they weren't able to see my tear-streaked face when I answered their calls. My peers were all around me. The last thing I wanted then was for everyone to think I was some immature cry baby. Seriously, I was 18 years old and unable to handle a few months on my own? Somehow, I managed to avoid sensitive topics and keep myself occupied. When you're that homesick, being alone is torture.

In retrospect, I think I must have been somewhat crazy. College is supposed to be that coveted next chapter of your life. Kids all over the nation are aching to break free from the supervision of their mommies and daddies; they want to party, they want to meet new people, they want to have fun. I admit it's an exciting time, but heck, if you're not getting hoarse from screaming for joy, you're not alone.

At first, I was convinced there was something wrong with me because I was not having the time of my life. But homesickness is completely natural. You're in a new setting with unfamiliar faces, devoid of the comforts of home, juggling the emotional and physical pressures of academic and social activities. It would be weird if you didn't feel anything.

The problem, I found, was my reluctance to tackle homesickness head on. Allowing my pessimism to eat away at my core was like letting an open wound fester. I was withdrawing myself from my surroundings as though I was afraid they would usurp and replace what I had left behind. But I planned to stay here for the next four years. It was time to let out my frustration and anxiety. Someone had to know.

I called home after that week and cried to my family. Then my sister heard me out and she cried. My mom cried - I didn't need to say anything. It's awkward talking to my dad on the phone, but I'm sure the other two filled him in. It felt wonderful to get that awful burden off my chest. It sounds cheesy, I know, but one call can make a difference. I was able to calm down, stop moping and get going. I just wished I had done it sooner.

So, if you're feeling overwhelmed and can't find an outlet, call your family. One, because they probably care about you most. Two, because they won't judge you. And three, if you have one of those cell phone family plans, your five-hour call will be free! So why not?

Don't think you need to struggle through problems on your own. If you don't feel like talking to your mom, I'm sure any of your friends or roommates would be more than happy to listen and lend you a shoulder to lean on.

As for me, the worst had passed that night. The campus seemed to open up to me the following morning, and I found living with my peers to be very stress-relieving - that is, when they weren't blaring music at 2 a.m.

Ellen Kim is a Sid Richardson College freshman.

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